An Accidental Flash Of Genius

Since I participated in this in another journal...

Sun, 07 May 2006 04:17:06 GMT

I've been meaning to do a real update for awhile now, but I don't even know where to go with it. In the meantime, though, here's one of those generic comment bait/survey things.

If you comment...
1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

Stupid machines....

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 17:48:15 GMT

Ugh... I might have had a MAJOR setback with ever wanting to do anything on my site again. A couple days ago, I restarted my computer normally, and while that was going on, it started beeping almost the entire time, after which it refused to recognize the existence of my slave drive, which is a problem, considering it has the files of my entire site that I did months worth of formatting changes to. I can probably deal with losing everything else, especially since I have most of my music I have backup copies of in some form (both my home recorded stuff and MP3 playlist), but if I end up losing my site changes, I won't have ANY motivation to redo all that again. And after numerous attempts to get it fixed (including taking it to one of my dad's co-workers who's practically an expert in dealing with just about anything computer-related), it still doesn't look good. The really frustrating part is that I was in the process of looking for a new domain name to upload it all - if my computer had just waited a few more days to crash, everything would be on the web, and this wouldn't be an issue. Fucking shit. As if I needed anything else to feel hopeless about.

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 02:20:40 GMT

AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

*throws hands up in disgust* :(

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 19:41:46 GMT

So my stupid job situation still isn't resolved. A couple weeks ago at another meeting with Karen, I was referred to a "job coaching" agency who was supposed to have someone call me, and that still hasn't happened. So after I spotted some random data entry/filing/customer service job on Monster, I just got impatient and applied for it yesterday... I haven't heard from them yet either. I'm so tired of this shit. Why is it so difficult to just find something?

On more promising news, I'm more seriously contemplating the idea of continuing my review site rebuilding process in the same reworked format I was planning on before, with my reviews in a separate section and converted to letter grades. Listening to certain albums over the last couple months is really giving me the itch to write again. Of course, part of my recent desire to do a revival also has to do with Casey also very much expressing a recent interest in writing new reviews again. Apparently he wants to do a new "personal" site that he offered to pay for the maintenance of. I also want to dump a lot of my more inferior, poorly written reviews I don't sympathize much with anymore, and rewrite them later. That way if someone else should ever take it over, there won't be anywhere near as much material on there I'm not pleased with. I may just have someone else take over the outside reviewer portion of it, though.

I had another big idea of making the new look MJA merely one part of a planned "super site" project, where I also want to include a place for my own Physical Illusion music and possibly a whole bunch of other stuff. Jay mentioned creating some sort of group that gathers a lot of the open mic performers together on MySpace or somewhere like that, and I'd be all for linking to that as well, not to mention somehow integrating a whole bunch of unsigned music from other sources (*cough* Web Reivewing Community *cough*). There's just so much musical talent out there that I want to make a lot more people aware of. That's one of the good things the internet was invented for, right? I should take advantage of that as much as I can.

Eventually, I'll need a good domain name for all this, obviously. If it doesn't end up mjareviews.com, then it should be something quirky and Physical Illusion-like. Like, I dunno, snakeswithoutarms.com. Or burnt-toast.com. I'll throw in updates if I decide to actually go through with all this. I guess it'll probably be brought up in discussion soon enough.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 22:47:41 GMT

Whoa, I suddenly feel really disoriented. Despite the date of my last entry clearly saying "Monday", I was thinking pretty much all of today that it's Sunday, and that yesterday was Saturday. I'm really not sure what brought that on. I must be losing it.

Snakes still don't have arms and... hey, look over there!

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 06:31:02 GMT

Once again I find myself not having written in here in awhile, and like a magnet, I return. There's a WHOLE lot on my mind, believe me, but I wouldn't want to go into it too much. I've had a couple meetings at vocational rehab since my last entry, and I'm feeling kind of mixed about all this... the whole process just feels sloooooow, like it's going to constantly stay unresolved forever like everything else that's troubling me, even though I know it isn't. I'm still not entirely sure where my next appointment on Tuesday is going to lead, and I'm always nervous about those "summary questions" I always struggle with so much. The woman I met with, Karen, in addition to advising me to really study my career test results, also discussed the possibility of me going through therapy for all this shit, which I'm perfectly willing to do. Another interesting development is that she's correctly pointed out on a couple occasions that my parents are too controlling of me and thinking about how to handle discussing this in depth is causing me to feel even more stressed. It's not that my parents aren't great people - they're just not the easiest people in the world to argue about things with, and it certainly doesn't help that I have enough trouble getting out what I want to say on the spot as it is. This is particularly true about my mom, who often takes things too personally, and often has a lot of trouble admitting her point of view might be wrong, like anything negative against her is apparently evidence that she's "failed" as a parent, which works pretty well as a guilt trip. Ugh.

I've also pretty much decided not to go along with that "MJA buyout" thing, though in true procrastinating fashion, I haven't come up with an actual E-mail response to this mysterious company yet. I dunno - this proposal just sounds like the total opposite of what my site was founded on in the first place. I'm not sure I like the idea of an amateur review site turned into a glorified online music store. It was a good opportunity on paper, but I can't see it ideally working out. Everything else is going along pretty much the same - open mic nights are still highly successful and everyone who's supportive there is awesome, I'm still hopelessly lovesick to the point of annoyance, the internet (particularly Wikipedia and assorted message boards) is pure evil, and other assorted blah blah blah.

I think this dumb journal needs another "fun" entry soon. Maybe I should do one of those totally mindless surveys.... heh.

Oh no... snakes don't have arms. I feel so bad for snakes because they can't pick things up.

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 06:14:01 GMT

So in a little over 12 hours, I've got another appointment at vocational rehab to discuss my test results and where I should go with things from there, and along with other things, it's making me so fucking anxious I could explode. I want to believe this is a step in the right direction, and it's probably going to be one, but there's the cynical side of me that's wary of it possibly turning into absolutely nothing substantial at all (Network Relocation Services, a couple web design offers a year and a half ago). I'm also quite nervous about all the challenges and very stressful situations ahead, but I think just finding something solid in the job market is going to take so much psychological weight off me. It's really not healthy to get totally up on life one or two days a week (particularly Monday nights) and then feel like worthless, directionless scum of the Earth the rest of the time, when I'm constantly around people who have a lot more of a life direction than I do. I'm hoping all of it will help me become a much more focused, stronger person so that, through all the hard times, I can at least feel tons more accomplished and deserving of everything I'm fortunate to have in life. As of right now, apart from the more successful open mics and scattered other things, I just can't find much focus or sense of accomplishment at all, and it upsets me so much. It certainly doesn't help that I'm still very, very much fighting battles within myself as to what I should ultimately do with my review site - there are so many complicated angles to that situation that I can't even think straight. And yeah, there are other unresolved issues too, but you can probably figure out what those are.

I need sleep. Yeah.

Part III of the "MJA Takeover" plot

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 05:46:57 GMT

I guess the whole MJA situation is starting to get slightly clearer now. Nice to know somebody professional actually considers my site "established", but I'm still a little skeptical of a lame "sell out" on the horizon. I'll deal with coming up with a follow-up E-mail after I sleep on it, as I'm a bit exhausted now:

Financially we would put some banner advertising on the site to create a revenue flow, we would probably also backend it with a music store and market the album/cd corresponding with the written review.

Our goal would be to maintain the current interest of the site and try to build upon what has already been done.

Point of Impact Technologies Inc. was originally a company setup to do domain purchasing & domain brokering but over the last few months that market has become saturated and we've decided to start buying established websites to build upon. That is pretty much the extent of the company.

The Colin Meloy show at the TLA = awesome. That guy has some of the most entertaining stage banter I've ever heard, and awesome taste in covers. It was even hilarious when he was playing a snippet of "the worst song I ever wrote", plus he played my two favorite Decemberists songs we didn't hear at the full band show in October ("Bachelor And The Bride", "California One"). I've felt ehhh most of the week because of about four or five different unresolved things that I'm feeling more worried about than usual all building up at the same time, most of which aren't anything new to readers of this journal, and this show was a very nice escape from that.

The followup to this MJA purchase thing

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 18:10:25 GMT

So I did ask around about what to do with this E-mail from last entry, and virtually everyone around me, including my parents and a few people they talked to who know their stuff about web-related business, has advised me to go for it, but also find out more details to make sure I won't get ripped off. Well, I basically replied that I'm interested in considering the offer, but want more details on it. I don't know if it's just me or not, but the reply I just got an hour ago is making me feel somewhat more skeptical. I'm a whole lot less sure about how to respond to this one:

Thanks for returning my email Nick, i've never actually purchased a website before so the whole process is new to me.

I would like to offer you $500 US for your website. I could have the money sent to you by either paypal, cheque or wire transfer.

If you accepted the offer, we would proceed by taking the content off your website and placing it on to the new website, we would then have the old pages point to the new website that way anyone looking for the your site could find it.

Thanks,
Lance

As it was with last time, any advice and thoughts would be very much appreciated. I'm one of the last people who'd be objective at estimating what my site is actually worth, and this is certainly not something I just want to take action on absent-mindedly. I'd elaborate more on all this, but right now I somewhat feel like shit, both mentally and physically. I started feeling sick shortly before open mic started last night (though I was still able to do okay, I guess), and I haven't felt any better this morning. I'm not entirely sure what brought this on, considering I've been in quite a good mood most of the last week or so. Hmm....

Hmm....

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 04:06:39 GMT

A few minutes ago, I was just going through my mailbox, deleting a whole bunch of junk mail that I've gotten in the habit of accumulating, and I just came across this E-mail from 4 days ago on January 18th that I hadn't noticed before, one that I'm not sure what to make of, below. For those who don't know, it's about my old music review site, which I would like to have someone "inherit" from me eventually, but haven't gotten around to doing that yet:

"Hi,

I am contacting you with what may be an unusual inquiry. I am interested in acquiring http://www.geocities.com/mjareviews/, or at least the content from you.

If you're wondering why, it is because I am in the process of building a similar site and it would be easier for me to start off with a foundation rather than start from scratch with a brand new site.

Please let me know if you are interested?

Thanks for your time,
Lance
Point Of Impact Technologies Inc."

Thoughts?

A LJ-related question/observational thing:

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 06:47:38 GMT

Here's something I've been wondering for awhile, but I really have no idea what people's tendencies are: how often do any of you browse around the "friends pages" of those from your own list for fun, just to see if you'll stumble upon any particularly interesting entries/people? I wouldn't say I take part in this activity a whole lot, but every once in awhile, I catch myself mindlessly surfing through a whole crapload of journals, and it's sometimes kinda fun. This process hasn't ever led to me to commenting on, or bookmarking, any total stranger's journal yet, but I'm curious as to whether or not it has for others. Thoughts?

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 19:40:20 GMT

So on Thursday, I had another appointment at this vocational rehab place, and in the middle of taking extensive job hunting tests (which included 150 generic true/false personality questions, as well as a ton of questions on abilities, how much you like or dislike being in certain situations and certain jobs, etc.), I had a discussion with a psychologist type. A lot of what he found out about me I knew already, but I came out of it realizing for the first time that, in fact, there are people out there who can actually help me on working with my strengths and weaknesses. Basically, I was told I'm very employable, and it's just a matter of me finding my career niche. I realize that I suck at organizing my thoughts in conversation quickly enough, reasoning ("what objects are missing from this picture?"), and trying to find the best way to explain what certain things and concepts are (that "what is that stupid word??" disease that Skeeter's dad from Doug had). On the other hand, I also apparently have a great memory and very good ability at solving math puzzles in my head. I felt very naked about having my mental vulnerabilities out there at first, but in the long run I know it might help, and at least I'm better at coming to terms with them. Now if I could only shake the idea that everyone around me is silently thinking I'm a complete loser because of my total retardedness in being able to find a career. Yes, I know it's not completely true, but still, there are those ugly signs every now and then.

Other than that, I really haven't accomplished crap all week. Curse you, Thing #1 and Thing #2! That and the start of the NFL playoffs.

Does God have a sense of humor? I hope so

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 19:17:21 GMT

Thinking back, I still find it amusing that I could have created a hilariously awkward situation at last night's open mic had I decided to do a certain song called "Church Is Boring", which I had done only once on... *checks the setlists he's got written down in a Word document* November 14th. I was never planning to, but instead introduced a medley in which I did an untitled instrumental version of a new song with "Circle Of Icicles" and my version of Europe's "The Final Countdown" (which didn't work very well since my guitar was out-of-tune, "Circle Of Icicles" is one of those songs I totally have trouble singing, and I forgot a few of the words to "Final Countdown"). I also added in three other standards ("Throw Your Neighbors Down The Stairs", "Polar Bear Rock" and what might now be my 16 second set-closing staple "How To Find Girls To Go Out With"). There were also other highlights of the night (most notably Jeremy encouraging the crowd to write him angry letters on account of his subpar performance and accidentally creating a couple hilarious hooks when he coughed a couple times in between lyrics), but that's not what inspired this entry.....

See, about 20-30 minutes after I finished my set, there was a "special guest" performance from this guy named Sean Michel. I guess he and his band were okay, though I got a little too much of a self-important Creed vibe from that performance, which only got stronger when his stage banter started getting a lot more overtly religious, centering around Jesus Christ, how he loves everyone the same and babble like that, and also relating this story in the Bible about a woman weeping at Jesus' feet and spilling perfume all over it, among other things. He also seemed to get very emotional at points talking on stage (particularly talking about the not-so-cleverly titled alcohol addiction song "Bottles") and all of this made Jay wonder how much different things would have been had I actually played "Church Is Boring", and the idea of that cracked me up way more than it should. As the subject indicates, I hope God has a sense of humor about things as I do. :)

As for Casey's New Year's Eve party, it was kinda lame, though it still ended up being fun since both Jay and I were able to rock out extensively in the background on a whole bunch of songs, and it was great being shown around Casey's house for the first time (interestingly enough, it's not his real housewarming party - that doesn't happen until the 13th). Playing that drinking game Asshole for several hours surrounded by personalities I don't jive with very well and mostly crappy music on the radio isn't exactly my idea of a great time, though, and I personally found it very depressing how terrible Dick Clark looked and sounded during the countdown to 2006. Other than that unsettling observation, the new year seemed to come in very unassumingly as far as I'm concerned. Hopefully the rest of 2006 doesn't go that way!

Some holiday ramblings plus gasp pictures!

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 05:37:35 GMT

Well, I've come to what will most likely be my last entry of 2005, but I won't spend too much time on generic 'end of the year' summary things. I've had a great holiday season so far, and I hope all of you have as well. Although it no longer has quite the magic on me it once did as a child, I had a very good Christmas - it's always an uplifting, pleasurable time at my house, and this year was no different. Among the highlights of my gifts were the first volume of the Nuggets boxed sets, the Arrested Development Season One DVD (thanks to everyone I know who has raved about it, particularly Jay - it's really quite entertaining and crazy), the last couple of Homestar Runner DVDs (including the 4th Strong Bad E-mail disc and the Everything Else thing with a whole bunch of toons and shorts), and one of those really sweet electronic rocking chairs (with built-in speakers and an adapter you can use to hook it up to the computer, Playstation, or whatever). Ironically, though, the gift I got most addicted to was a cheap stocking stuffer - an electronic hand-held version of Yahtzee. Hey, I like simple pleasures... haha.

The 26th, though, was arguably even better, seeing as it fell open mic Monday, my current favorite day of the week. This one particularly stood out because Jay's latest guest to join us, Rachael, was cool enough to be the first person to take pictures of all of us on stage! I do have access to a digital camera, but for whatever reason, I never thought to bring it with me. I'm glad someone else did fill that void, though, as I really like how these turned out. Here they are in all their glory.

Taken during the short "rehearsal" period, I think. The one "practice" period that took place after the open mic was over ended with me breaking a string, which was funny since earlier in the evening, I witnessed someone else break a string during a performance for the first time at open mic I can remember.

According to my mom, I look like an evil Jack Nicholson in this shot. *shrugs* It's better than those Charles Manson comparisons I get all the time, I guess.

From my by now mandatory performance of "Polar Bear Rock". During the song, Nate ran onstage to sing along with the chorus, which was something totally unexpected and awesome. It was also hilarious how confused he got when I switched over to a minor key variation of that same chorus.

Spacey Raygun always looks so emotional when performing! A good representative shot of Jay in action. I always enjoy that pissed off-sounding sigh he does during "Burial Clothes" in particular.

Another good Jay picture. He's mental... he's crazy... I think he's... Spacey!

Jeremy rocking out to, uhh... whatever song he was rocking out to there. It happened to be his birthday on Monday and he had originally planned for a couple bandmates he'd been jamming with for awhile to come out and join us, but for whatever reason, those plans fell through.

Jeremy on stage while we all were singing "Happy Birthday" to him. The dude on the left playing harmonica (there's my name forgetting skills again) runs another nearby open mic on Wednesdays. I like the smoke in the foreground here - it's got a psychedelic quality. Or something.

For some reason, I particularly enjoy this "contemplative" picture taken while we were at the diner afterwards. At least a couple people so far have pointed out that it looks like a potential album cover, or at least a good picture for liner notes. I guess it's hard to go wrong with band member shots at a diner.

I was going to do at least some sort of 2005 summary, but I've just decided at the last minute to not really bother. Let's just say I've made huge advances on one of my New Year's resolutions from the end of 2004 (to get further along with my music in terms of playing, songwriting, performing and even producing - the open mic thing is an opportunity I especially never thought would work out as well as it has), and can quite possibly make another huge advance on another (my full-time job searching progress, which I might know a lot about in just the next few weeks or so), so that's not too bad. I've discovered more about myself personally than I ever have, I've gotten a bit better around people in general than at this same time last year, and although thinking about what I haven't accomplished yet but should have by now does eat at me sometimes, I can say as of December 31st I'm generally hopeful. And later on, I'm going to Casey's New Year's Eve party at his new house, and I think that could be a gathering of epic proportions. Less than 24 hours until 2006.... man... it just doesn't seem possible, does it?

A pointless exercise (updated 100-song list)

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 08:24:18 GMT

For no other reason other than the fact that I'm in an utterly silly (and kinda inspired) mood right now following a relistening to my 100-song album on random with 3-second crossfades between each song, I decided to go to the All Music Guide and see how many of those song titles have already been used by other bands/artists that AMG can verify. And hey, if nothing else, some of these titles might be entertaining to read as a display of my "creativity". Original titles are in bold.

1. An Accidental Flash Of Genius - "They should change their name to Illusiternative or Alternaillusion"
2. Something's Coming - 110 occurences, most notably from West Side Story
3. Tomorrow Morning - 16 occurences, though I'm sure none of them mention choking on burnt toast, procrastinating, and being electrocuted by a shower radio
4. Across The Street - 12 occurences
5. Repetitive Drag Racer (Go On Green) - in my fantasy world, a Guided By Voices B-side
6. Wondering - 119 occurences.... dueehrrr Van Der Graaf Generator
7. Apocalypse Later
8. Circle Of Icicles
9. Two Pennies - 1 occurence, from an album called Tacos And Pornos, no less
10. The ADD Song
11. The Vikings Attack! - 1 occurence of "Viking Attack"
12. Planet Spiral
13. Today Is The Same As Yesterday Was
14. Journey To Greenfield
15. Never Gonna Happen (Chinese Democracy) - hey, I ended up finished my album before Axl Rose finished his
16. Mental Drain - I'm surprised this one doesn't come up!
17. Xavier Stole My Wallet
18. A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Says, "Ouch" - there is one called "A Guy Walks Into A Bar", though
19. Plan M
20. Captain Obvious - 1 occurence
21. Grapefruit Salvation
22. Norton - 3 occurences, though I bet none of them are glorified ad jingles for Norton Antivirus Information Wizard
23. People, Places And Things - 2 occurences
24. Locked In The Closet
25. Whispered Among Friends
26. Kevin's Worst Enemies
27. Virtually Pointless
28. Neon Gumballs - was going to be the title of one of my future albums, and features a Dane Cook "cameo"!
29. Farmhouse In The Middle Of Nowhere
30. Stapled To A Tree
31. Previously Unreleased - another one I'm surprised didn't come up
32. Green Escalator - I'd love to hear Stereolab attempt an extended take on this one
33. Mike's Impossible Maze
34. A Day In The Park - 8 occurences, though I actually stole this title from Robert Grazer
35. The Hardcore Punk Anthology Volume 1
36. Going Upstairs For Skis - the "Chuck Cunningham syndrome" in song
37. Visions Of The Future - 9 occurences
38. Chomping At Dennis
39. How To Find Girls To Go Out With
40. Companion Monkey
41. I Never Got That Feeling
42. Senor Sombrero - the source of why I put 'air hockey' as one of my interests as a joke
43. Bad Decisions - 3 occurences, none of which mention going up and down the escalator at FAO Schwartz or licking mothballs
44. Black Lemonade - 1 occurence
45. Church Is Boring - it's completely my dream to play this in church on a giant church organ
46. Your Obsolete Ancestors
47. Zane Inhaled A Lot Of Dangerous Chemicals Yet Became Smarter
48. I Found Quite A Bit Of Vomit On The Floor Yesterday. Explain. - "I heard a Michael Bolton song on the radio.... oh no"
49. Put Your Whole Ass Into It Instead Of A Half One - in my world, a Japanese New Wave/synth pop hit
50. Seance For A Dead Guy
51. Socko's Theme - theme song for the most incompetent drummer in the universe
52. Animals Are Mammals
53. Falling Off A Cliff (Ow, My Head)
54. Power Failure Machine
55. Bottled Springwater Song
56. Quite Possibly Wrong And Not Possibly Right (Tha Q Jam)
57. A Plan Of Attack - 1 occurence, and actually a 54-second soundtrack song itself
58. Triangles - 9 occurences.... it would be hilarious to have Jon Anderson sing the first part of this one
59. Important Man - 2 occurences
60. Words You Can Spell With A Digital Alarm Clock - spoiler: "zoo, SOS, sob, sis, boo, bob"
61. Never Trust A Liar - I'll keep that profound advice in mind
62. 14 Year Vacation - a reference to My Bloody Valentine's disappearance after Loveless
63. The Aluminum Pencil Festival
64. You Can't Float On Air, Dumbass - I still don't know how I played this one exactly
65. The Non-Album B-Side - on some days I think this is my favorite song... it's sooo stupidly anthemic
66. Ugly People Prevention Society
67. Into The Theater - *gets sued by the Cocteau Twins for making this a sped up version of "Ivo"*
68. Breaking Through Windows
69. Somewhere In Boston
70. Big Bad Grape
71. Loose Translation - 1 occurence, of course, seeing that this is a cover and all
72. I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick - 1 occurence, which did not have the line 'If a roller coaster comes apart in Montana and no one’s there to see the carnage, did it actually fall apart and kill people? I vote ‘no’ cause Montana isn’t actually a state'
73. Elitist Collective
74. Coulda Done Better
75. Camels In The Desert
76. Bathroom Mirror Acid Trip
77. The Hallowed Caves Of...
78. Radioactive Goat Funk
79. Sailing To The Island Of Awesome - The Decemberists should do this one
80. Out Of Ideas - which was true about the time I recorded this
81. High Horses - 3 occurences, but did any of them have the line 'David Crosby got turned into a horse 'cause he couldn't do better than "Mind Gardens'?
82. The Glass Bridge Of Certain Death - this should be redone as a post-rock song
83. Octagon House - another candidate for a future album title
84. Probably Angry Bob
85. A Toast To The No Shit Society
86. Crunchy The Pothead
87. Momentum - 51 occurences
88. Polar Bear Rock - I'm so commercial, putting my big hit 88 tracks into an album!
89. I'm A Electrical
90. A Problem - 44 occurences of either "Problem" or "A Problem"
91. Goofy Guys - theme song for the proposed Jackass-like series me and Casey came up with, but haven't gotten off the ground yet
92. A Love Surreal
93. Black Keys - 1 occurence, but I bet that one didn't have some crazy guy who believes the black keys on the keyboard are an example of racism as a concept
94. Music From The Dentist's Office - I would LOVE to redo this one in full-blown 1988 adult contemporary production
95. A Futile Attempt At A Life
96. Drunken Idiot Dance Party
97. Chase Scene - 10 occurences
98. Faraway Stars - 3 occurences of "Faraway Star"
99. What It Could Be Like In Heaven
100. One Hundred Days - 7 occurences

Stupid internet games

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 18:11:14 GMT

This thing has a grip on me and won't let go. So far, my personal best score is 153, but I haven't been able to get anywhere near that since. To tie this in a bit with my last entry, it's kind of making me feel tense, almost like a cat chasing after the red dot on the wall coming from a light pen. But I can't stop! Ahhhh!

More "stories [that] are boring and stuff"... yeah, such a deep line, Interpol :p

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 07:02:20 GMT

Ah, I knew there was something else I forgot to write in here. Last week, we got two new kittens, bringing the total number in our house to 7. But even though that's probably a lot, we've still got a ways to go to catch up to the 17(!) my aunt owns. These happen to be just about the most manic cats when it comes to food I've ever seen - they flip out when anyone even THINKS about starting to fix something, and they're more than willing to dive headfirst into the refrigerator or trash can. And this considering they seem to want just about anything but regular cat food. They're so nice and playful, though, and life with them could prove fun and interesting. Maybe I'll throw out pics of them later, and as for their names, they're Liam and Ben.

The Trans-Siberian Orchestra show on Saturday night was also totally great as expected, though like with Sigur Ros a few months ago, I felt like I would have enjoyed it a lot more if we weren't so far from the stage, to get the full powerful effect. Only a minor complaint, though, as it hit a lot of emotionally beautiful highs, and their light show is waberawesome, somewhat like a stage equivalent of this.

And of course, last Monday's open mic was yet again amazing. It's like, my 10-15 minutes a week to go crazy, especially on my AC/DC parody "The Balls Of Rock" I wrote 4 years ago and my ending with "How To Find Girls To Go Out With". Speaking of girls, it's kind of an unusual development that at least a couple of the most prominent people I'm winning over are females, which for me is really saying something. The great Katie Davenport was there. She put on a brilliant singing display as usual, we conversed with her for a bit and also met her brother, plus she got a very clumsy CD of Physical Illusion stuff sent her way - now let's see if she still thinks I'm a genius... heh. Then there's Diana, who had requested "Suburban Homeboy" a couple weeks ago, and who I also had a very nice chat with (by my anti-social standards, anyways). We also had a violinist guesting on several people's sets, including Jay's - a half-step down version of "Burial Clothes" went off particularly well. Still the longshot best day of my week, Monday is. And that's all I wrote.

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 20:07:35 GMT

Well, as a short update, I'm feeling much better than I was a few days ago. I went to an appointment at this vocational rehabilitation place on Thursday for assistance in finding appropriate work, and a lot of the same social issues I detailed in my last entry came up in discussion. But unlike the couple neurologists I've gone to in the recent past, they actually seemed to understand where I was coming from, offering responses that were much, much more than just vague, and even thought some of what I was diagnosed with in the past was ridiculous (for instance, the idea that it's somehow not possible to have both cerebral palsy and Asperger's syndrome at the same time, and that I was dragging my foot crookedly as a child to "get attention"). It appears to be the type of place I'm seeking to get my foot in the door career-wise in some way besides the traditional one, and in the next month or so, I should have a VERY good idea through as psychological and career tests where the heck I'm going. Until something actually comes of this, there's still a part of me that's skeptical, but I'm optimistic, even if cautiously so.

Last night was pretty good. I went with Jay to a party Brandon from open mic was having at his house (which he also played at) for awhile. It wasn't quite as entertaining as a couple weeks ago when we went to see him play at two different places in one night in Philly, but there was a nice enough crowd and vibe. And tonight I'm going to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra show that everyone who's seen it seems to rave about, so I'm excited about that. And that's about it for now.

A psychological rant

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 21:38:51 GMT

*cue “Shout” by Tears For Fears*

First off, apologies for the length of this entry, but lately, I’ve been having a whole bunch of realizations and fights within myself that have kind of been hitting me hard. Tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment at a place in Trenton that might be able to help me out with finding work as well as suggestions on my general life direction, so writing some personal thoughts out here on the eve of this might keep them fresh in my mind and make them easier to actually talk about with people. It’s a heck of a lot easier for me to get them out this way than in conversation, and good therapy for me to let things out, especially among several of you who are great at offering advice and encouragement. I promise I won’t rant this long again for awhile. Really. :)

I think I’ve already established that I’m stressed out about not having full-time work, but I’ve also discovered that I’m just as, if not more, upset about something that’s a big contributor to me having a hard time with that in the first place. It’s pretty much the enormous roadblock for me in having the kind of fulfilling life I really want – social ineptitude. I’ve never gone into my problems with that in very great detail, because I have a hard time explaining them, but I’ll try my best. Some of this I’ve gone into a bit in the past, but some not. I just thought it’d be better if I threw everything in there.

The thing with me is that there are some “social cues” that are completely obvious to most people that I have a really, really hard time with. For one thing, and it may seem strange to think this way, but there’s something about making eye contact with people in conversation that makes me uncomfortable. I also tend to have a tough time organizing my responses to someone efficiently in conversation, which usually causes me to respond in a different, sometimes much less coherent, way than what I meant to. People who actually know me offline will know what I’m talking about, but I’m not sure how to adequately explain it. But although I’m not quite as bad with this in online conversations, it will even show itself there too.

Another example: There are numerous times when someone will ask something I don’t quite understand right away, and for some reason, my personal stubbornness takes over. Often, instead of asking people to clarify what they said for fear of seeming stupid, for some reason I just freeze and say nothing, which makes me look even worse. I’ve tried hard to stop these tendencies, but they always seem to come up, and they’ve gotten me into way too many awkward situations to count throughout my life.

I know this will seem insane to some of you, but I also have quite a bit of trouble answering a simple, friendly “What’s going on?” very well, even when there actually are numerous interesting things going on in my life. But this is certainly is not the case with me now, so it's made twice as hard. It just seems like such a broad question sometimes, and one I find difficult to answer without resorting to the typical answer of “Same old stuff”. Maybe it isn’t difficult for some of you to summarize what you’ve been up to for the last several days, weeks, months, or however long it’s been since you last talked to whoever you’re conversing with, but it is so for me. It doesn’t help that I’m just really, really terrible of summarizing things in general – I often even have trouble retelling stories about interesting incidents that happened to people, even if they occurred within the last day or so. As you can imagine, because of this trouble I have, the prospect of a job interview where broader questions like, “What do you bring to this company?” or “Where do you see your career going in five years?” intimidates me more than a little.

Along similar lines, I know I’ve probably alienated some people by coming off as rude, since it sometimes doesn’t appear like I give a shit about what they’ve been up to. But I honestly do, sincerely! I’ve come to realize that this reaction probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have a hard time responding to that question myself, and at the same time forgetting that most others don’t feel that way, so I tend not to ask it. Asking how someone’s doing is one of those social cues that just doesn’t come naturally to me at all.

When you throw these social things in with all my other problems - terrible procrastinating habits and not being able to stick with the same tasks for very long, acting overly obsessive about anything related my interests, having severe picky eating (and drinking) habits, as well as below average reflexes and mild cerebral palsy - that’s not exactly a good combination. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been in quite a lovesick state, and my social ineptness is about the worst possible quality to have when it comes to getting into a potential relationship. That’s another issue entirely that I don’t really like to discuss very much, though.

But at least this year, more than any other, I’ve tried to dedicate myself to completely coming to terms with my weaknesses and trying to adjust to life with them, though I’m still really scared about how I’m ever going to be able to handle my future. It’s going to take awhile to really build my confidence up to where I want it to be, but at least I’ve gotten a half decent start at it. Open mic nights, after a few rough patches, have been going far better than I ever expected them to, and I actually feel comfortable about playing (or sending) songs to almost anyone, as opposed to just Casey, and Cole, of course. Can’t forget that Physical Illusion page. Taking part in that has improved my confidence level considerably, though I really wish I could be a lot more talkative around the community there than I actually am. I’m so jealous of all you more social types I know. Especially Jay, the bastard (kidding!)

Hopefully everything goes well tomorrow, as well as the rest of the week. In any case, it felt really good to let a whole ton of stuff that’s been on me out in one place (which I actually did twice, because I lost well over half this entry to a power failure after I was almost done it the first time… sigh). If anyone has any thoughts or helpful suggestions about what I’m going through, I’d appreciate it so much – like I’ve said, I know some of you on here are very good at that, and I just know Mike D. in particular can really relate to some of this. I think I’ll probably even end up printing out this entry so I’ll be able to come back to it for future reference, in case I end up getting professional help or something. That’s about it, I guess, so I’ll just go back into the unassuming LJ background where I’ve been most of the time the last couple months. Later all!

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 17:43:45 GMT

I don't like to keep bringing up open mic nights in like, half the entries I write, but OMG... like, this one completely made my week. Seriously. And not just because of stuff like Nate's brilliant idea of having everyone read a random paragraph out of the "E" volume of the Encyclopedia Brittanica (which often produced priceless results), Steve's completely bizarre ambient noise-making pieces with effects pedals on his vocals, harmonica, and other assorted instruments, or Herb's out of freaking nowhere song about how he hates leather pants (combine that with his 'I don't actually know how to play guitar' style, and it was a trip and a half).

No, this one was awesome because of what happened after my self-proclaimed 'commercial whore' set during which I did all my most popular songs (An Accidental Flash Of Genius, Polar Bear Rock, Throw Your Neighbors Down The Stairs) with a crazy jingle for the Norton Antivirus Information Wizard thrown in there. Katie D., who I've said has been my favorite performer so far, told me afterwards I was a genius, and even better, expressed interest in covering my songs and getting a CD of my stuff! Of course, I told her she had to return the favor and send me one too. Needless to say, I've got such girlish excitement over that right now, especially since I was quite intimidated by her talent (especially after seeing her set last night). THE Katie Davenport covering Physical Illusion! It still hasn't totally sunk in yet how freaking cool that is. It's an honor! God, I'm such a fanboy nerd... :P

Yeah, I can and will write about other crap on here when the time comes. I'll be at a couple job fairs, so I'm really really hoping that issue will get resolved soon, and my life will be so much better for it. I wish I could think of more random funny observations to put in here too like a few others I know so effortlessly can. But whatever.

"Polar bears are a symbol of Coke, and therefore they are sellouts"

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 18:27:33 GMT

What a good night Monday was - it seems like open mics at The Fire just keep getting better and better. I guess it's more apparent now that the Physical Illusion fanbase is now firmly in the double digits, and I'm even getting requests. Some random girl (whose name I'm ashamed to admit I still don't know) asked that I do the "Suburban Homeboy" cover from a couple weeks ago, and I'm surprised that I didn't screw that song up given that it was someone of the opposite sex telling me I rocked (I'm generally awkward beyond words when it comes to females), and that I hadn't rehearsed it in the last couple weeks. (I gave her my E-mail along with the link to my MySpace page for Physical Illusion crap, so she actually finds it this time...) "Polar Bear Rock" and "Throw Your Neighbors Down The Stairs" were their usual fun selves, too - when I eventually compile a double CD of some of my better performances, I'm thinking quite a bit from this month is going to make it on there. Not that I'm at all rushing my recording slave to do transfers.... :)

The remainder of the evening was good as well. Jay did really well on his 4-song medley (done without a break, so it really felt like one long and effective epic), especially considering that he felt like shit most of the night, Jeremy's set went off pretty much mistake-free (very good takes of the instrumental "Phases Of Life" and a completely reworked "A Change Would Do You Good"), and almost everyone else I saw did really well. There were a couple very good full bands, the usual quality sets from Nate and Brandon (who had lost his dog earlier in the evening, but fortunately had found him by the end of the night), and there was this other dude that I have to say reminded me of a cross between the one and only Jordan/Interruptor Jones/another1stkiss looks-wise, and vocal-wise like a low register Chris Willie Williams of Disclaimer, which was kind of a strange mental combination. Also, I guess Nate might have been particularly pleased with how well everyone did overall, since later in the evening, he asked for everyone to put contact info next to their names on the signup sheet. Woo!

Thanksgiving was kinda blah outside of football watching, but that's mostly the fault of my hardcore picky eating habits. That and being at my grandmom's house, which isn't necessarily the most pleasant thing in the world (long story on exactly why). And frustratingly enough, I still haven't found decent full-time work. At this point I'm crossing my fingers for an even halfway ideal opportunity to come up, since there's not many openings I've seen that I can imagine myself doing just yet, and those that are possible seem to be too far out of my way. It's not like I'm not trying, though.

Once again, I fail in my quest to avoid being long-winded and repetitive in here. *tumbleweeds*

No, I haven't quit writing in here just yet....

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 06:52:29 GMT

I had planned to do a real, non-survey, update in here awhile ago, but every time I've tried I had to stop myself from I'm getting the urge to just completely go off into 8 million tangents and/or punch something, so I've just stayed silent. My job searching situation is still unsuccessful, which has a lot to do with this, and until that changes, my feelings of sick to my stomach guilt aren't going away, no matter how hard I try to distract myself. I know there are billions of people out there less fortunate in this respect, but since literally everyone else I'm around is either working full-time or in school, the rest of the world I don't know doesn't even apply in this case. It makes it even harder that the last couple potentially really good job opportunities I've had, I've been pretty much screwed out of work for various reasons (yeah, I've given up all hope on ever working regularly for Network Relocation Services), which makes it even worse. I really, really don't know how socially inept people like me with more 'specialized' skills get through situations like this. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll somehow get noticed on monster.com, but I'm not optimistic. Sometimes I wish I could just crawl into a hole, since I really feel ashamed to be around anyone right now. Gah.

It's not like I've been feeling bad like this all the time, though, when I've been listening to or playing music, just hanging out to get stuff off my mind, or doing whatever else I enjoy, things have been great. And two out of the last three open mics have just been a complete rush, especially last time when all four of us were there at once for the first time, Jeremy played probably the best I've seen him play yet, Brandon (who was accompanied by a violin player) was completely fantastic, and I entertained the crowd with my acoustic cover of Sparks' "Suburban Homeboy" (those of you who know this song can probably imagine how THAT turned out), and during the rest of my set when I played standards, I had a good amount of reverb on the mic, which gave things a slight 'stadium show' feel and added to the amusement. Casey even went up there with me for the first time in a couple months, and even though we were unbelievably sloppy and underehearsed, making complete fools of ourselves in the process, it was crazily entertaining. I just can't stop wondering of where my songwriting progress and open mic experiences are going to take me, and it seems that my performances often mirror my life progress as a whole - highly erratic and often awkward as hell, but bits of something potentially great frequently shine through.

The next few months could prove an interesting turning point. Jeremy's probably going to head down to Jacksonville, Florida in a couple months or so, since he apparently has musical connections there, and he's told me several times that if he likes it down there and can find good job opportunities (carpentry, networking jobs, etc.), he wants me to come down there for a bit as well. I'm definitely contemplating it, since I so badly need a change of scenery right now, and it would get me a bit more space from my parents. That's one option. Like I said last entry, I'm also thinking about taking classes again, but I'm not totally sure exactly where I'd go that isn't TOO expensive. I've tried contacting the Cittone Institute for more details on what they offer, but they're one of those places that kind of make it difficult to get in touch with them, and word-of-mouth I'm hearing is that it kind of sucks anyway. Yarrgh... all of this crap I should have done years and years ago, but better late than never, I guess. Too bad I can't apply the Strong Bad E-mail 'do over' to real life - now where's my own equivalent of Ali and Ali's sister?

Hey, another survey! Screw regular entries!

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:09:47 GMT

WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with?: I can't remember the last time I've been openly angry with anyone. My mom, I guess.
2. What is your weapon of choice?: Flying army tanks! Only one person will get who/what in-joke(s) this is a reference to (no, not the SCarmy - I said one person!) Although most weapons from DOOM are also pretty sweet. BFG 9000'd!
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?: Most likely not. Only under extraordinary circumstances, but even then, ehh...
4. How about of the same sex?: Yes, but it's been a long time. I used to have a very short fuse when I was younger, and my youngest brother often got the worst of it. To an extent I still do, but it doesn't manifest itself physically anymore.
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? Again, my mom, I think.
6. What is your pet peeve?: Whatever portion of my brain is preventing me from accomplishing anything I want to, while instead indulging in pointless crap.
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?: I'd like to think I can let grudges go pretty easily, unless it's something truly unforgivable. But then, not being able to let go of the hugest grudges would apply to everyone. If I don't even hold any real grudges toward those who treated me like shit throughout high school, then I'm probably okay overall.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a while? Floss. It was recommended to me at the dentist that I do it every day, but it's been weeks since I've actually done it. Honorable mention: Write in my old more private and even more rambling offline journal, which I haven't done since March.
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?: Probably around 4 PM.
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: The Admissions Officer at the Cittone Institute. I need to do that today at some point.
4. What is the last lame excuse you made?: Uh... I don't know. It probably centers around any time I've ever said I'm going to take a vacation from online life, but not actually following through on it.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...?): Nope. I've probably only gotten halfway through any of them at most. Booorrring.
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning? Today I woke up before my alarm was set to go off, actually. Not that I was productive in the least with that extra time.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced beverage of choice?: I don't really have any. I have EXTREMELY plain tastes when it comes to drinks (and food, for that matter).
2. Meat eaters: Considering I have hamburgers and hot dogs a whole heck of a lot, I think I can classify myself as one.
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?: None, yet. See #1.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?: Nope.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight?: Yes, but the other way around from a lot of people I know with weight problems. I'm one of the few I people I can think of that could really stand to actually gain a few pounds.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?: Sweets.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)?: Not counting movies and family, none that I'm aware of...
2. How many people have seen YOU naked?: See #1.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?: Who hasn't?
4. Have you "done it"?: I'm in that group that accounts for why movies like The 40 Year Old Virgin exist...
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?: Take a wild guess.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?: Uh, no.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?: None, and at this juncture of my life, I'm probably better off NOT owning one.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store?: Wal Mart. I know it's supposed to be "evil", but...
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?: Probably set myself up with a house, do a ton of long overdue traveling all over the place, and waste a lot on music.
4. Would you rather be rich or famous?: Rich, most definitely. Don't get me wrong, I do want to be well-known and respected to an extent, but not a HUGE household name.
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?: Right now, YES.
6. Have you ever stolen anything?: Probably, but I can't think of examples at this minute.
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?: Ooh, my favoritest question! 3,042 in my various songs playlist (which I frequently have on random shuffle), about 550 in my 'various MP3 albums' folder (including a few overlaps with my random songs playlist), and about 350 in my 'Adventures In Home Recording' folder (which includes a huge majority of everything I've ever recorded myself that still exists in some form, plus a lot of other stuff). So in total, approximately 4,000. I don't need a freaking iPod.

PRIDE
1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?: Getting up on stage at open mic for the first time. I haven't regretted that since.
2. What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?: Uh... I don't know. I seriously feel like I've failed my parents overall.
3. What's one thing would you like to accomplish in your life?: To reach the end with as few regrets as possible, a goal of which I'm terrified is not going to be very successful at all. But I'm working on it.
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?: Nah. Most of the time I'm somewhat below second place in a lot of what I participate in, so just doing that well is honorable to me.
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?: I wish!
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?: I did cheat on a History midterm in high school by writing several answers both on my desk and on my hands. I ended up getting an A, and I'm not very proud of this.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of?: I haven't done ANYTHING today that I was supposed to. I'm too much in the grips of internet addiction.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?: I can't single out one thing. I want it ALL!!
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?: Casey, I guess. At the very least, there's an absolute guarantee it would be interesting.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?: An improved version of myself, but if it would just be a temporary thing, I'd want to be almost any selected baseball player, just to truly know what the experience of playing in the majors is like.
4. Have you ever been cheated on?: I'm suspecting yes, considering my only real "ex" was about as boy crazy as they come.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?: Uh, yes.
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?: Any sort of half-decent ability to socialize with people, particularly when it comes to starting conversations. Yeah.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?: No. I do wish I could have come up with a better one that would lend itself to more creative answers, though.
8. Finally, what is your favourite deadly sin?: Lust, maybe, since my "romantic" side has yet to come out as much as I want it to.

First update in awhile... crickets

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 07:45:48 GMT

While thinking a lot lately about my love/hate relationship with life in general, it's dawned on me that in my current situation I'd be a lot better off pretending that I'm 19 or 20 instead of 26. I might as well have been abducted by aliens at that age, only returning back to Earth about 6 years later. Yeah, that's it. Not that I'm actually going to start going around lying about my age just yet, but all of a sudden, having a little work experience but not a real job, only having had a driver's license for about a year, or whatever else I haven't done yet doesn't seem bad at all from that perspective if I threw in the couple years at community college I went through by the time I was 20. Speaking of college, I'm seriously thinking of taking classes at another institute to follow up on those three years or so getting my associates degree, which I should have done at least two or three years ago, get more training in computer-related stuff (probably web designing, I guess), and seriously get career counseling. It's not much, but at least I have a little bit more of a plan now. Maybe.

On top of that, I've been feeling unusually nostalgic lately. I was looking to add several more songs to my random MP3 playlist, and I decided to go through all my old tapes I had containing music videos I recorded from late 1994 to about '98 or '99 in hopes of finding older songs I totally forgot about. The majority of the great ones I had in there already, but there were other gems like Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta", The Verve Pipe's "The Freshmen", Veruca Salt's "Seether", and the Dandy Warhols' "Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth" that I was all too happy to hear again. Yes, I totally have a weak spot for mid-90's alternative rock. Recently, I even went back through samples of people's poetry from a creative writing class I took 4 or 5 years ago, which was kind of fun to relive.

Another observation: It seems like every song I start writing on keyboards inevitably turns a dance tune at some point, and the fact that I'm getting progressively more and more immersed in groove-oriented music might have something to do with that. Last weekend, I recorded the skeleton of a 7 minute epic featuring Jeremy (recorded at his house) called "Another Keyboard Song". In case you were wondering, Ty, it actually is my answer of sorts to that Need To Breathe song from MySpace, dealing with some nerd who brags about how his old-school keyboard is better than yours. It's completely different melodically, though, so they can't possibly sue me. ;) Anyway, it sounds like it's got A LOT of potential. If I were to describe what it sounds like, it's almost like a cross between The Cars, Franz Ferdinand, a cheesy disco/dance song, and a war march (the last two minutes), with two false endings also included. To make it even better, upon hearing the demo of it yesterday, Casey came up with this totally awesome chorus melody for it, so this might end up being a knockout collaboration between the three of us. When this gets done, any of you who want to hear it will certainly get the opportunity....

Oh yeah, the open mic thing. I guess I'm kinda burned out on going on about open mic performances in detail, and I'm not sure whether anyone really cares that much about reading about them anyway. I will say, though, that the October 24th open mic was one of the most fun nights I've yet to experience in my life - I thought both me and Jay were at the top of our game as far as performing goes, and it seemed like there was a much higher percentage of really entertaining people there to boot, which completely psyched me up. There were a lot of other little subtle great moments then that either fall too much into the category of 'you had to be there', or moments that I can't remember off the top of my head now, so I won't recount them.

And the Halloween open mic was also quite fun, though more people were out in the bar area wher the party was taking place than actually watching us. Curiously, I thought I actually sang better at that one still recovering from a bad cold than I ever have before, and I was surprised at how I was able to do "Falling Off A Cliff (Ow, My Head)" almost off the top of my head after Casey requested it. Plus, I really liked how I merged an A minor-to-F 'We should all move to Canada...' anthemic singalong buildup part to probably my best ever performance of "Polar Bear Rock" (no "Altered Reality" to complete the Canadian theme, though), and I did a couple short amusing songs in C minor centering on the theme of revenge and killing people, seeing as it was Halloween ("Kevin's Worst Enemies" and "Ugly People Prevention Society"), as well as doing "An Accidental Flash Of Genius" with a multitude of hilarious comic voices towards the end, which I completely didn't plan on doing, but it worked! I could tell Casey enjoyed himself (it was the first time he had gone with us in quite awhile, since he had been busy with his new house), and hopefully he'll perform up there with me in the next couple weeks. There were a few other noteworthy performances, but I choose not to mention them at this time because this journal is a purely egotistical work of genius. Or a long-winded journey to nowhere. I'd put my money on the latter option.

The obligatory emotional rant

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 14:48:19 GMT

Ugh. Until things drastically change, I'm not sure I'll be writing all that much in this journal, since I'm in a very tough spot emotionally, probably even more so than ever. Apparently over the last month, it has been extremely difficult for Chris to keep anyone even remotely busy at network relocations, so I'm trying desperately to find new work that will keep me busy enough and earn me half decent money. It's just not happening, and because of my social ineptness and lack of any real skill/experience in just about anything, this job search crap is a lot tougher for me than most people. I have trouble even getting past the 'resume title' portion on monster.com - how the heck am I supposed to summarize my limited abilities in one line when I don't have a freaking clue what I want to do overall? To make matters worse, I more easily fall into aimless laziness when I have too much free time than anyone else I know. If I don't have a set busy schedule of stuff I know I have to do, which hasn't been the case for me in forever, I end up accomplishing absolutely nothing. It's an empty feeling - I feel like I'm falling so far behind everyone around me, and I feel like such a loser asshole because of it.

On the plus side though, it seems in the last few months, so many people I know are experiencing some sort of great opportunity that could be a huge turning point in their lives and/or are in a spot where they're really happy with themselves. This definitely applies to Casey with his new house he's moving into, Jay with his new job, and even a few of you on my friends list reading this that know who they are. I'm very thrilled for all of you, believe me, and I sincerely hope everything works out for the best. It only motivates me even more to try and get to that very position in life, which I certainly have the capability of doing, but for now, I'm just totally lost. There's a reason the majority of my entries are open mic and music related - that aspect of my life is really all I seriously have going for me the last few months. It's a great part, to be sure, but I really wish things were more interesting.